December 2017

Love, Tomorrow is the day you went home and left me here. Would you be proud of the way I have gone on without you or would you chide me for my weak faltering progress, the times when getting up and putting one foot in front of each other seemed more than I could manage. I always told you that you were my strength even while you insisted that it was inside me hiding all the time.
I laugh, love. I look forward to the children coming home for Christmas and the traditions that we continue. I ride my bicycle, though perhaps not as much as I should. I see friends. I go to work. Life is not as completely barren without you as it was at first. There is color and sound and I have scabbed over, a bit misshapen perhaps, but whole. I made some new riding friends that make me smile. There is some warmth in my life.

Still, not a day goes by that I do not think of you. Now, however, I often smile as I remember something you said or did. The tears still come, but not as often. Thank you for those times, those memories. Thank you for the hard times as well as the good times. I am grateful. Even those years we just muddled through, the first year with only a mattress on the floor and no furniture, I would not trade them. The only change I would have made would to have taken away your pain and made them last longer. And, the third child I wanted but you felt we should not have....I would fight you harder on that. You see, in each of the children, I see parts of you and I realize that you are still here in so many ways.
I like to think of you without the pain that haunted you for so many of the last years. The crinkles around your eyes, the furrows, the tell tale signs of constant pain have eased and you are young again, young and strong. And you are waiting, patiently, knowing my path has not yet ended. And you are glad that I still have dreams and plans. Somehow I know that you want me to have a long and happy life, that you do not want me to grieve for you but to learn from you. And I try. I don't always succeed, but I try.
Rest peacefully. I am fine. Tomorrow is a busy day, purposefully so to keep me from brooding. Until then. Love, Me