Valentine's 2019

"My scars remind me that I did indeed

survive my deepest wounds.  That in itself

is an accomplishment.  And they bring to mind

something else, too.  They remind me that the

damage life has inflicted upon me has, in many places,

left me stronger and more resilient."

Steve Goodier

Love, 

Today, another Valentine's Day without you, yet this year rather than crying I smiled thinking of the many things you did for me on Valentine's Day throughout the years we were together.   And while I continue to treasure some of the gifts you gave me for Valentine's Day and for our soon to be wedding anniversary, it was never about the gifts but rather the understanding that you were going out of your way to do something that you thought would please me.

Yes, love, I have survived, and as noted by Mr. Goodier, survival has left me stronger and more resilient.  I miss you.  I will always miss you.  Sometimes I think that I scent you on the wind or that I feel the sweetness of your breath on my neck at night.  Sometimes I swear that you are near and that you are keeping your promise to look after me always.  Other times, I despair wondering if I will ever earn the wing necessary to join you.  But I survive.  I go on.  Indeed I do even more than survive because I find I  have things I look forward to: I smile, I laugh, I love.

During the past year, your granddaughter was born.  How I mourned that you were not here to share that moment.  In my mind I could see you with her when she was older, walking, holding her hand, laughing. A pipe dream.  But I also smiled at the hope that she brings, at the thought that a part of you has survived and been reborn in a new, little person.   I like to think that as she grows, I will occasionally see you in her, just as I do in our daughter and our son:  a certain expression, a certain laugh, all those things that we pass from generation to generation.  Mostly I rejoice at how she is surrounded by love and by parents who I believe will make good decisions for her until she is old enough to make her own.

Again, I can never thank you enough for all that you gave me, all the things you did to care for me.  I will see you soon enough, but until then there are mountains to climb, places to go, people to meet, jokes to laugh at.  Until we meet again, rest assured that a piece of my heart is always and irrevocably yours.

Love, Me