Dear Lloyd, After a rough couple of weeks, things have been a bit better. I told someone recently that I feel like I always imagined those with bi-polar disorder must feel. But I have been able to force myself back out on the bike, and I have even enjoyed it at times. The effort aids my sleep, and I do feel better.
Today I got off at 10:30 flexing out my overtime from earlier in the week. Computers at work were down and I have so much to catch up with anyway. So....today shed number two got the first two coats of crabby apple red and I started on the trim. I ran into a place in the back where either an animal gnawed the wood or it is starting to rot a tad. Of course, I can no longer ask you what to do, so I pondered on it and think I have found a solution that will work. When the walls on this shed go, it is gone. You did not build it as you did the other and so it is not as special. It would have killed another little bit of me to lose that shed. But the rot is only a tiny place.
How I miss having your guidance and thoughts. More and more, I realize that I am lonely. Odd, I never really minded being alone before when I knew you were waiting. Now it is just different. I miss being held and I miss being kissed and I miss being loved. I miss the smell of you, love, and the sound of your voice, and I particularly miss your laughter and quirky sense of humor. I miss feeling like home is home. I try to have faith that we will be together again sometime, but I am not as strong as you, and I am certainly not as good as you were despite the times you put down the Bible telling me your frustration for not being able to live as you felt you should.
While I worked I thought of the look on your face when I told you to go buy the shed for your bee equipment. Trudging up and down the basement steps carrying bee equipment was obviously becoming harder and harder for you, and I did not want you to lose the thing you loved doing the most. Your illness and poor health had already stolen so many of those things. You were so excited, like a child on Christmas Eve. So much of your life you did not get things that you wanted...I suppose it made you where you did not even ask for those little extras. That way you could not be disappointed. And now that shed will last a bit longer. Maybe as long as I reside here for who knows what the future will hold.
As we aged together, I saw more and more how your childhood and your early adult experiences molded the person you became and was able to understand you a bit better. You were not an easy person....so private and so determined to cover the big soft, vulnerable spot that was your heart, the one you eventually gave to me until I was encased in the soft pillow of your love. I think, and perhaps I am being conceited, but that with my love you healed a bit. I hope so. I miss you, love, but I am moving forward as best I can as I know you would want me to do and healing as well.
"If you get there before I do, don't give up on me. I'll see you when my chores are through. I just don't know how long I'll be."
(Collin Raye)
All my love. Melissa
Friday, July 17, 2015
Thursday, July 9, 2015
The First Visit
Dear Lloyd, I am so blessed. Jeff and Lena came for a visit and we
have spent nearly their entire vacation this week rebuilding the shed
you and I were supposed to rebuild this summer. Jeff said that he
promised you on your deathbed that he would always do his best to see
that I was taken care of and had what I needed. I think his goodness
must have seeped in from living with you. I fear I am not so giving and
kind.
I feel guilty about their sacrifice, but I also feel proud that we raised a child who became such a kind and talented young man. And I hope Lena's parents know what a gem they raised. Never once has she begrudged me Jeff's help and has chipped in and done more than her share. Amazingly, she looks beautiful even in my work clothes which dwarf her, but then perhaps it is her inside goodness shining through.
I feel guilty about their sacrifice, but I also feel proud that we raised a child who became such a kind and talented young man. And I hope Lena's parents know what a gem they raised. Never once has she begrudged me Jeff's help and has chipped in and done more than her share. Amazingly, she looks beautiful even in my work clothes which dwarf her, but then perhaps it is her inside goodness shining through.
I now understand why you put the shed together with screws instead of
nails. I remember you said Randall laughed at you because of it and I
think how much Randy must miss your company. I can still hear him on
the phone asking for "George Albert" and I was always glad you men
shared a hobby that brought you together periodically.
We found the sword Jeff constructed as a child nailed inside, a remembrance and tribute to youth and memories. I sobbed and sobbed because I miss you so, but somehow I felt closer to you. One thing I miss is sharing the memories we had created together, those things you remember and know that the other person remembers as well without even talking, and this was like sharing a memory in some ways.
My back is sore and I am feeling very tired and very old, but we are near completion, and I guess the older I get the closer I am to being with you again, love, because I have heard you laughing as we worked together, making mistakes but making progress. Until then, love, I wish you peace and no more pain.
We found the sword Jeff constructed as a child nailed inside, a remembrance and tribute to youth and memories. I sobbed and sobbed because I miss you so, but somehow I felt closer to you. One thing I miss is sharing the memories we had created together, those things you remember and know that the other person remembers as well without even talking, and this was like sharing a memory in some ways.
My back is sore and I am feeling very tired and very old, but we are near completion, and I guess the older I get the closer I am to being with you again, love, because I have heard you laughing as we worked together, making mistakes but making progress. Until then, love, I wish you peace and no more pain.
bravery without you
Dear Lloyd,
Yesterday I came home to find the chimney cap in the yard. The screws had rusted through. Today I started to climb up to measure so I could replace it, and what I found is that I am quite the coward without you here. All the times I patched the old roof while you held the ladder and told me what to do, I thought about the time you made me wear a harness thrown over the top and tied to the truck bumper before I found my roofing legs . I thought about how badly you felt about the blisters on my hands from trying to work the caulker with the tar in it. But that was a shingled roof. This metal roof is much harder to walk, even barefoot. Anyway, I chickened out, love, part way up, came in, and called to get an estimate. Who knows, tomorrow I might be braver, and there may be something on the internet about the best footwear for walking metal. But if not, this is one thing that I will pay to have done. Chores are not as much fun without you. I miss how you always seemed to know what to do when something broke. I just am not as smart as you were. But I am trying.
Yesterday I came home to find the chimney cap in the yard. The screws had rusted through. Today I started to climb up to measure so I could replace it, and what I found is that I am quite the coward without you here. All the times I patched the old roof while you held the ladder and told me what to do, I thought about the time you made me wear a harness thrown over the top and tied to the truck bumper before I found my roofing legs . I thought about how badly you felt about the blisters on my hands from trying to work the caulker with the tar in it. But that was a shingled roof. This metal roof is much harder to walk, even barefoot. Anyway, I chickened out, love, part way up, came in, and called to get an estimate. Who knows, tomorrow I might be braver, and there may be something on the internet about the best footwear for walking metal. But if not, this is one thing that I will pay to have done. Chores are not as much fun without you. I miss how you always seemed to know what to do when something broke. I just am not as smart as you were. But I am trying.
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