Dear Lloyd, After a rough couple of weeks, things have been a bit better. I told someone recently that I feel like I always imagined those with bi-polar disorder must feel. But I have been able to force myself back out on the bike, and I have even enjoyed it at times. The effort aids my sleep, and I do feel better.
Today I got off at 10:30 flexing out my overtime from earlier in the week. Computers at work were down and I have so much to catch up with anyway. So....today shed number two got the first two coats of crabby apple red and I started on the trim. I ran into a place in the back where either an animal gnawed the wood or it is starting to rot a tad. Of course, I can no longer ask you what to do, so I pondered on it and think I have found a solution that will work. When the walls on this shed go, it is gone. You did not build it as you did the other and so it is not as special. It would have killed another little bit of me to lose that shed. But the rot is only a tiny place.
How I miss having your guidance and thoughts. More and more, I realize that I am lonely. Odd, I never really minded being alone before when I knew you were waiting. Now it is just different. I miss being held and I miss being kissed and I miss being loved. I miss the smell of you, love, and the sound of your voice, and I particularly miss your laughter and quirky sense of humor. I miss feeling like home is home. I try to have faith that we will be together again sometime, but I am not as strong as you, and I am certainly not as good as you were despite the times you put down the Bible telling me your frustration for not being able to live as you felt you should.
While I worked I thought of the look on your face when I told you to go buy the shed for your bee equipment. Trudging up and down the basement steps carrying bee equipment was obviously becoming harder and harder for you, and I did not want you to lose the thing you loved doing the most. Your illness and poor health had already stolen so many of those things. You were so excited, like a child on Christmas Eve. So much of your life you did not get things that you wanted...I suppose it made you where you did not even ask for those little extras. That way you could not be disappointed. And now that shed will last a bit longer. Maybe as long as I reside here for who knows what the future will hold.
As we aged together, I saw more and more how your childhood and your early adult experiences molded the person you became and was able to understand you a bit better. You were not an easy person....so private and so determined to cover the big soft, vulnerable spot that was your heart, the one you eventually gave to me until I was encased in the soft pillow of your love. I think, and perhaps I am being conceited, but that with my love you healed a bit. I hope so. I miss you, love, but I am moving forward as best I can as I know you would want me to do and healing as well.
"If you get there before I do, don't give up on me. I'll see you when my chores are through. I just don't know how long I'll be."
(Collin Raye)
All my love. Melissa
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